Yes sir. Step right up ladies and gentleman and children of all ages. Put down the New York Times. Turn off your MSNBC, CNN and FOX News. The Wall Street Journal has failed us.

No need for the internet, satellite radio or any other current news periodical. All you are ever going to need to ever READ again is the National Enquirer. That’s right I said it. The National Enquirer. The source of the greatest news headlines for decades. ELVIS LIVES. Liberace fathers Martian love child.

True life stories of many of our fellow citizens’ intergalactic travels. Yet these so frequently have been dismissed by the intelligentsia and pseudo-intelligentsia. Even when Hollywood gave us a documentary of proportions at least equal to An Inconvenient Truth in the still unrecognized classic Men In Black which made the case plain and simple that secret agencies of our government rely on the truth that is set forth in the pages of the National Enquirer to protect all that is good.

And now when our country needs to hear the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, who brings it to you? No, don’t even dare say Katie, Brian, Cooper or Matthews. No folks. The truth on one of the most important stories in the last few minutes is brought to us by the National Enquirer. A brave team of reporters/paparazzi stalkers were embedded deep within the night housekeeping team at the Beverly Hilton and braved a direct frontal assault on the men’s restroom to expose, almost literally, the man who would have been the first President to spend more on haircuts than the Pentagon will spend on the design and production of a new generation fighter jet.

Yes. Oh no. Ohhhh the humanity of it all. Former candidate and current has been politico John Edwards joins the list that has no end. Politicians who are not perfect. Wow this story is just so vastly irrelevant to anything or to anyone except the unfortunate humans caught up in it. The former Senator had no political future with a President Obama Administration. None. Zero. He brought nothing to the 2008 Democratic Primary. He brought nothing to the John Kerry campaign in 2004. This meaningless story for American politics does however bring a big smile to my face for it is always nice to see the so called mainstream media outlets bested by new social media outlets, by the Jon Stewart, Bill Mahrer and Stephen Colbert.

But here we see all of our powerhouse media outlets, both new and old, trumped by that which they revile and ridicule over and over. The National Enquirer. The John Edwards Cheats story is right up their alley. It’s like throwing a 45 mile an hour pitch to Barry Bonds. Bang. Zoom. Home run. That the rest of our most respected media outlets would then dedicate so much coverage to this nothingness is actually what I find the most hypocritical. They would mock openly ever staging a raid in a hotel or men’s room to find such a story. Yet they are no different than our friends at the National Enquirer. Just not as good at getting to the really seamy imbecilic crap as the Enquirer. So to all the overblown political pundits who spend hour upon hour repeating nothingness each and every day here’s hoping to see some future headline grabbers from each of you and your fine networks.

Elvis owns Krispy Kreme franchise in Oklahoma City. Sources say he is on McCain’s short list for VP’s.

Bill Clinton suggests debate between Presidential spouses. Says Mrs. McCain reminds him of his beloved mother.

Tim
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